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September 1, 2005

Dying Debts?

P
hysician Larry Zaroff, pleased that his mother died what he calls "a good death"--by which he means a dying process marked by absolute self-control, self-denial, and just generally not being any trouble to anyone--generalizes his mother's experience to a norm for everyone:
We doctors are taught to cure, to heal, when possible to restore patients to a full and active life in society. We are also taught, if we cannot establish health, to allow patients a good death.

But we pay little attention to what dying patients owe their loved ones. Leo Tolstoy understood this. In his novella "The Death of Ivan Ilyich," the protagonist, dying slowly, makes life miserable - complaining, criticizing, screaming - for his family until the last day, when he realizes that they love him. He then understands what he owes his wife and children: a good death.

In the end he dies quietly, blissfully, a good death for him and his family.


The late Mrs. Zaroff's passing sounds quite remarkable, and it's nice to know that her method of handling things worked so well for her, and for her son.

But Dr. Zaroff should speak for himself. There are, I would imagine, as many "good" ways of dying as there are people who die. I do not expect that my parents, whenever they should reach their final days, will entirely conceal from me the reality of what they're going through--even if it includes fear, pain, sadness, whatever--in the name of protecting me from the hard parts of being alive.

I do not expect them--or anyone--to die "blissfully."

If people manage blissfulness in the dying process, why, so much the better. But it is inhuman to expect it, and I would never dream of speaking of blissfulness and ease as something a dying person "owes" me.

Posted by Eric at September 1, 2005 10:41 AM

Comments

Well put!

Posted by: DK at September 1, 2005 12:55 PM

It's well worth clicking on the link. I (surprise) don't entirely agree with what Eric writes, but that is a superb link to direct us to.

The story of the last years of her life is good and vital (no pun intended) to read.

Thank you,
Holmwood

Posted by: Holmwood at September 2, 2005 9:25 AM

I loved your take on this--dying people shouldn't make any noise or trouble their families with their pain? I fear for humanity sometimes. Also hits a little close to the bone when you think about about what some idiots are saying about NOLA.

Anyway, you have a wonderful blog! Got here through a link on Obsidian Wings to your Chertoff post, but have really enjoyed reading everything else, too. Looking forward to my next visit.

Posted by: Mary at September 6, 2005 3:05 AM